Ok so I am having a rough night emotionally tonight - and it is over a kind gesture... sometime sweet. And somehow that good thing made me sad ... because I guess I don't feel I deserve it and then I go into that spiral of my baby girl deserves better than what I can give. Christmas is pretty much not happening at our house - With me not working, the nanny job I was hoping for fell through, My partner laid off - well keeping a rough over our head and the electricity on is much more important. And we are doing ok with that. With my partners severence package - we are able to at the very least catch up on everything we were behind on -and we are hoping his unemployment will keep us afloat until he finds a job.
If I look for a real job, I will negate the last 7 months of applying for disability due to my migraines and I really fear with me getting auras for an hour or two a day plus there are days I can barely get out of bed and watch baby girl... I know that my prior jobs of retail and working in a call center is not going to happen unless my migraines settle down -but since I don't work I don't have insurance so the medication I use to be on I can no longer afford.
Anyways so we can't really afford to get gifts or anything, And I certainly can't really afford the frivolous things like getting Sonya's picture with Santa... Silly I know but that saddens me greatly... simply because well really she isn't going to remember anything but I would love to have little things like pictures with Santa, the fact that for the first few summers I participated in the Child reading program at the library for her and silly things like that.
There are times that I am getting so upset because I still keep going back to the Birth I wanted and didn't get... I swear it feels like I didn't get much of anything I wanted when it came to the birth experiance... I had planned a water birth, with music and candles and smoothies and all kinds of gental loving atmosphere... and ended up having an emergency c section - I was put on bedrest a month before the birth so I wasn't able to get the belly cast I wanted, I wasn't able to get the henna done on my tummy like I wanted. Heck I wasn't even allowed to really have labor -I had about 5 contractions and they numbed me up for the csection ... now granted if the emergency csection hadn't happened I wouldn't have Sonya with me today - Infact if they hadn't rushed me in i don't think she would have survived. She was so bad so limp when they pulled her out of me I was so scared... and then I couldn't really touch or hold or have her with me, and I sat by her bed as much as I could... the only thing...the one thing I was able to do was keep her off formula once she was allowed to eat 4 days after she was born.
And now she is doing so well, she is healthy, she is ahead of the curve when it comes to the motor skills... and I have had people help me out - people I never expected to reach out to me - And I feel so unworthy....
Ok I should really just go to bed because I can't sleep very well... only got a few hours last night and I should be heading to bed now....
Given Sonya's hard start with the apgar score of 1 and how much I was scared that she might now survive.... I am wanting to celebrate that she is turning 6 months - much healthier than we feared.
She is off her phenabarbital, and measuring on the high end of developement. and I want to celebrate all this.
So given how much you all have helped me during this time, I thought I would offer for any of you that would like to come by during the celebration are more than welcome.
It will be on Saturday 24th starting at noon and going maybe till 4 or so. It will be laid back - chips pretzles kind of thing and soda and water and such...
Maybe a cake...
Presents are not in anyway expected given this is more of a celebration that Sonya has gotten passed most of her issues at birth and that she is doing well.
Let me know if you would like to make it and I will send you my address and phone number.
This is not a post asking for sympathy, it is more of a place for me to organize my thoughts and try to figure things out.
This last week we got news that the site Michael works for is closing down. Meaning that they are working on getting everything shut down and moved out. He could have moved to Newport News Virgina and kept his job. But the moving package they were offering wouldn't have been enough to move the house. Not to mention that we know no one there, we would have to rebuild our social group have NO family in hte area - we feel that moving while would secure a job - wouldn't be in the best interests for us. but it is still a possibility
Michael is starting to look for accounting positions and if he can find one- should pay more than he was making - his job nets an average of 36-42k a year, and he wasn't making 31k at his old job but the benefits out weighed the money and hassle of looking for a new job. So again a possibility
He is going to be getting a severance package and all so we will be ok at the very least till the end of the year... of course Christmas is going to SUCK... but that is ok. Maybe I will see about doing Yule more then Christmas...
Now on the upside - I could possibly be doing some nanny/babysitting work - which would get us some money and would be something I can do that won't cause my migraines to kill me. watching a baby and my own - doing some basic house work , laundry/dishes etc from 9-3 during the week. If it pans out - we will be able to catch up if I am able to get this job - even with Micheal on unemployment...
but if I don't - I am not sure how we are going to scrap by even as we have been .... :sigh:
So I am hoping to be able to get the job babysitting during the day with a 3 month old while momma is working from home -
Also to do some random during the evening babysitting and cleaning jobs for extra cash -
Still going to get food boxes, and such to make sure food is supplied
Help Micheal find a job - that makes at least the low end of his field...
The really nice thing is my girlfriend from Canada is coming down the last week of November for Orycon - and I actually get to spend time with her :)
I am contemplating having a half birthday for Sonya - given that she had such a rough start (apgar score of 1 at birth) and the siezures and all that - with the medicine and me being clueless I am amazed we are almost at 6 months and I would like to celebrate - would anyone be interested? No presents are required (but we wouldn't say no to them, size 2 diapers, bath toys, and such would all be welcomed)
I am feeling really down this week...
I had been getting picked up to go to a baby blues meeting every friday - but the person doing that, isn't able to do that anymore... and given our money situation- well I can't be frivously driving the truck unless we need to. gas and all.
We had an ultrasound done on Sonya because during that first week that she was in the NICU, her left kidney was enlarged and they were worried that something wasn't formed correctly. However it is common in newborns to have some reflux so they had us do another ultrasound after 4 months went by. Seems that left kidney is still enlarged so she has to go in for yet another test - although they are not able to do that test until the 28th of October. :( and this is test runs a cathader up her and puts dye into her bladder and lets her pee and see if it goes up into her left Kidney - :sigh:
We are weening Sonya off the Phenobarbital -which is a wonderful thing, but since we started that, and the fact that she is teething - she is waking up more at night. which means I am getting less sleep. Athena is fighting doing her homework on pretty much a daily basis, and I am the one that gets to strong arm her into doing it. Jaquekera missed the bus 3 times since school started 3 weeks ago. And the last time, the truck couldn't be driven as the one of the tail lights went out and I was pulled over the night before. And my headache was so bad, I couldn't really see at that point. And even though the school is within walking distance she chose to stay home telling dad that she would help me. Her version of helping was not doing anything I asked of her, and trying to feed Sonya. And then proceeding to tell me after trying to feed Sonya for about 5 minutes, what an awful eater Sonya is (on Sonya's third day of eating something other than breastmilk) That Sonya doesn't open her mouth enough, that she is spitting out too much food and how much better of an eater that Athena was. That Athena never had that much trouble eating. Her Dad and her came to the agreement that her punishment would be that for 2 weeks she would have a bedtime of 9.30 to get her into the habit of getting to bed on time. And the next day she argued with me about it. We got into a huge yelling fight over the fact that from what her dad told me, she had to be home and in bed by 9.30 and if she wasn't that for as long as she had a bedtime she wouldn't be able to go out and do the activity that made her not be in bed by 9.30. Also If she misses the bus, for each miss, her bedtime is extended a week. And she told me I have no right to tell her to do anything, that I wasn't her mother, That I was a stupid bitch to think that I had any right to punish her. I told her that this was my house and she had to show me some respect. She told me that no she didn't and that she hated me and I should go to hell. So I told her that if she felt that way - to get the fuck out of my house. she stormed off and slammed doors. I called Michael and let him know I had lost my temper and what happened. and she came and slammed the door to the back area so hard, it knocked my signed Lucy Lawless picture off the wall and several videos off the video rack. Michael removed her door when he got home.
My headaches have just gotten worse and worse. No longer having insurance means that I am no longer on any medication and so I am not really doing anything to help them. I am having a heck of a time thinking, concentrating and everything I am up to a period of about 2 -3 hours a day when if I look at the computer screen I can't read the words on it. :( It is taking me days to read a book I use to be able to read in an hour. but on the upside, I have an appointment with a doctor about my migraines that will report to disability claim I made. so at least they believe me enough to have me see a doctor.
I just don't know anymore - I have spent most of the nights this week curled up on the sofa after everyone has gone to bed and cried because my head hurts so bad and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure. Like things would be so much better for most everyone if I just I don't know found a way to go back in time before I ever met Micheal and not get involved with him, not have Sonya, and just become a hermit or something.
I feel so lonely most of the time. I can't even think enough to deciede on food half of the time. I should just go to bed, sorry all for the whining.
Sometimes I want Sushi,
sometimes I hate myself for quiting my job.
Sometimes I feel like I am so far out of my league
Sometimes I feel I am causing more harm than good
Sometimes I want to run away from it all
Sometimes I want to just smack the 7 year old
Sometimes I want to kick the 14 year old out
Sometimes I want to scream
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
I feel so torn. Wondering every day if I did the right thing. Then feeling like maybe this whole thing was a mistake. That I shouldn't have had a child, that I shouldn't have brought her into this world because I am not good enough, smart enough, rich enough to do the things I want to do for her. I don't know if I did the right thing with leaving my job. But then there are other times when she stops crying the minute she sees me and I feel like no matter what else... She loves me, she needs me and that for her I would do anything.
This it both the poorest I have ever been, yet at the same time I have never felt so wealthy.
This is the hardest time of my life, but I look forward to everyday
There are times that I wish I could go back to being just me with no real responsibilities... then I hear a giggle and I can't imagine not having her with me.
Yes I wish we had more money, I wish I could go out with friends for some sushi. There are times that I want to scream in frustration... but I wouldn't trade what I do have, the way I feel when she is curled up on my chest, eating and staring into my eyes, the way she smiles at me first thing in the morning before I even say anything. The way I see her learning and growing everyday.
While financially I don't think staying home was the best choice, emotionally and for the family and for Sonya - I don't think she would be where she is without all the time I spend with her, reading to her, talking to her, playing with her. encouraging her when she tries to do new things.
I am not the perfect mom, never going to be. I am horrid at cleaning, I have little patience... but I have love - and I am willing to try and sacrifice to give what I can. Right now - it was sacrificing financially... and sushi.
But it doesn't stop me from wanting sushi on occasion.
So, This past Thursday we took Sonya into her Neurologist appointment. And just a week ago she had another EEG done.
And The EEG came back normal. And the Neurologist looked her over, looked over her other information - and told us we could start weening her off the Phenobarbital. Which is phenomenal good news. Of course we have to watch as we ween her off make sure she doesn't have any seizures as the medicine leaves her body. And it is a 6 week weening process. We don't know if any damage that was done is permanent, or if there will be any long term affects.. so it is still a wait and see situation - but the fact she is getting off the medicine is a very very good sign that the damage isn't so bad that it is continuing to get worse. :)
So I am very happy.